Crew Blog

Aloha, friends of the sponge! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Derek Iversen, a writer on SpongeBob SquarePants. I’m privileged and honored to be part of a team that brings you the best tales from the deepest deep, where SpongeBob and his friends reside. I’ve been on this salty crew for some time now. I started on SpongeBob more than ten years ago, when Nickelodeon first decided to roll the dice on our rectangular friend. Back then I was a production assistant, toiling in the sponge mines for my subsistence. But even then, as I drove my pickaxe into porous yellow walls, I was dreaming up stories that I hoped might one day become part of SpongeBob SquarePants lore.

Yes, those were simpler times. I was young and naïve. I didn’t know how it all worked. And let’s be clear: I still don’t know how it ALL works. But now that I am officially a Writer here at SpongeBob SquarePants, I can tell you that there is a lot more that goes into making an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants than I ever imagined back then, when I was just a young man.

Some of our process is extremely secret and can never be written down, or even spoken of using what we traditionally call “words.” The process is so secret that for crewmembers to even discuss it, we must first sweep the room for any recording devices from our rivals. Then, after each of us has pledged “the oath” and entered a cone of silence, we can only communicate about the show’s secret process through an elaborate series of hand gestures and body poses that carry coded meanings. When such exchanges are completed, we are padded down by security, given a cleansing chemical bath, and by that time, we are usually ready for lunch.

I’ve probably said too much already about this rather unsavory aspect of the job. Fortunately there are other parts of what I do that I am more at liberty to discuss. For example. a question I am often asked is, “Where do you get your ideas?” It is true that, as we’ve completed more and more shows, the challenge to come up with new ideas becomes greater. Luckily for us, we can go straight to the source, and I’ve recently done just that. Only last week I returned from my latest deep-sea expedition to the South Pacific, where Bikini Bottom may be observed firsthand, if only briefly. We do not want the denizens of that fair city to ever realize that they are being observed: after all, we would not want to make them self-conscious. As such, we are only allowed to view Bikini Bottom from hundreds of yards away, for short periods of time, through a high-powered underwater telescope. While we are occasionally able to catch snippets of audio from the citizens, the quality from our remote-sensing microphone is poor and we can scarcely piece together whole words, much less sentences.

Nonetheless, my last visit to the outskirts of that underwater town proved fruitful. I observed that Pearl had received a new dress. It would seem Mr. Krabs got a good deal on it; it’s hard to be sure. Sandy seemed to be conducting some kind of experiment on SpongeBob that made him look taller – a lot taller. This may have been an optical illusion. Our top scientists are carefully studying this strange development. Perhaps most alarming, Patrick had grown an extra head. Careful observers of the show will note that this has happened before, but I’m fairly certain this is the first time that the extra head had replaced one of his hands. It is not yet known if his extra head has the capacity for independent thought, or for that matter, if his original head does. I will keep you posted about this.

Do any of these observations make for a new SpongeBob show? Not necessarily. But each one could be an idea for an idea for a show. As a writer, it’s my job to take that idea for an idea, and make it into An Idea. Also, it is my job, from time to time, to wear a deep-sea diving suit, even when I am not underwater.

It’s not always easy. But although I have suffered much, including the bends, as a result of my service to this show, I am still glad, and proud, to be a part of it.

See you in the sea!